Love Is......

LOVE IS A BEAUTIFUL FLOWER: We arrive at the threshold of a relationship, free as a bird and ready to experience anticipated bliss.

We want to be fully present for our partner.

We want to have the best relationship ever there was.

We believe our partner will be there for us, and we want these feelings to go on forever. However, we are not really aware of the two extra satchels piled in with our other luggage. What do they contain? Who would have thought we would have brought a whole bag full of parental beliefs and behavior patterns that go back generations? We saw those patterns in our parents, and we knew they didn't work. We decided not to do things that way in our own lives, yet here they are. Who would have thought the other bag was full of our own pain, pain we thought we had long ago gotten over? Perhaps the things in these satchels have even caused us the occasional niggles of discomfort about this relationship. How could that be? We have just created the perfect relationship. So we toss those satchels into the closet and continue to enjoy our bliss.

LOVE IS A DECISION. In the beginning all our expectations of our relationship are met, then occasionally a few minor ones are not. Eventually, a major expectation is not met. We feel betrayed, angry, hurt, helpless, afraid or some combination of those. Unfortunately, this is not the first time we have felt these things. We get one or both of the satchels out of the closet and open them. We get out Mom and Dad's pain and fears, and their adaptive behaviors. We get out our own old pain and fears. We look at our relationship through all of those old patterns. We have now magnified the problem by adding a lifetime worth of pain and problems. We fear we have an unbearable problem in our relationship. We don't really realize yet, that our expectations of relationships were modeled on our family, and our partner probably has a totally different set of expectations from his or her family of origin. We now revert to the old learned behaviors, taken from the satchels, to attempt to deal with the problem. We might go into anger, revenge, problem solving, helplessness, depression, care taking, alcoholism or whatever style of coping we modeled in our growing years, or . . . We could take a deep breath and return to our original decision to love. To do that, we must close or empty those satchels and remind ourselves that our partner is not responsible for filling any of our expectations. Well then who is? There is a process you might go through here. Ask yourself, are the expectations you have of your partner reasonable or are they needs you have to provide for yourself? What would it take to provide for that need yourself? Does your partner have an unreasonable need of his or her own? Can you talk about it calmly? How willing are you to meet needs for each other? Which ones can't or won't you meet? If this process causes you to run for the satchels again, then it is time to get some outside help.

LOVE IS GETTING HONEST. We believe so much that we will form the ultimate union. We invest huge amounts of self-esteem in it and feel like failures when it doesn't work. We even go so far as to think it will be easy, because if it weren't that would indicate there was something wrong with us, wouldn't it? However, anyone who is creating a good relationship will tell you that it doesn't just happen. Being in a relationship is more likely to trigger old fears and hurts than being alone does. The opportunity to bring out those satchels rises when you are joining two sets of expectations. You have to get honest, and when you get honest you get vulnerable. You say how you feel and you hope your partner hears with their heart as well as their ears. You must create something new together. You feel your way along and when someone gets hurt you have to back up and find a new way. It helps to put yourself in the shoes of each other and try to think and feel from that prospective. You need to honestly decide and say what are your key issues are with each other, and let a lot of the other stuff go. You must ask honestly for what you feel you need and be prepared for possible refusal. You must be prepared to say what you will and will not do. You must also look at what you fear, whether it is abandonment, loss of love, betrayal, loss of income, discomfort with emotions, alcoholism or abuse. The thing you fear the most has probably already happened in your past. It's packed away in your satchel and your partner can't protect you from your own baggage. Each of us has to unload our own satchels in order to be free of the past. A Core Belief Engineering process is an effective way to do this because it changes core beliefs. This allows us to choose our behavior to suit each situation without automatically behaving according to our old patterns.

LOVE IS A SOLITARY ACTIVITY. Love is blamed or credited for so much of what we do to ourselves. We come into a relationship with bags of beliefs and programming from our family of origin, including a predisposition to be attracted to a certain type of individual. When we meet such a person, they fit, and we feel comfortable. Our needs are met, we feel loved. We literally give up the use of our intellect in favor of this feeling of fit. If they don't fit they trigger our insecurities and fears and we don't get any closer. Is love really this mindless? It doesn't have to be. Love that is a mindful decision is not located between people so much as it is located inside the lover. Love does not depend upon any conditions. When you choose to love there is nothing anyone can do to stop you. It is possible to love someone who doesn't love you back, if you choose. When we love someone who also loves us, we call that a relationship. If we choose to enhance our life by committing to a life with a person we love in order to have a shared experience we create a "unity" which is different from the "I" or the "You." Our love however, is still our love. If we cease to love our partner it is because we turned our love off. We can say they caused us to stop loving them but in truth, our hurt has caused us to turn our love off. No one else can control your love. Love is a solitary activity. You can heal your pain and turn your love back on again.

LOVE IS LETTING GO. Not everyone is ready or able to put those extra bags away and be honest in a relationship. Sometimes it even appears there is more benefit in keeping the old patterns. Not everyone is even aware they have extra baggage. Those who are aware may accept the added responsibility of being the one who leads the way. If you know you are apt to fall into old patterns of behavior you can be on the look out for them. You have the option of being the one who doesn't fight back, the one who stays calm, the one who says, "I love you but I don't accept this behavior." It is so much easier to do once you have unloaded your own bags and are coming from a solid base. Imagine gaining the detachment to give your partner unconditional love while they work out what they need to. This is a very powerful way to resolve a relationship and if it's not enough, you both are still in choice. The best resolution might be dissolution.

LOVE IS LOVING YOURSELF FIRST In my practice as a Core Belief Engineering Practitioner, I help people find and change the deep core causes of problems. We dig to the bottom of the heap, where underneath layers of adaptive behaviors and unmet needs we find an original wound, which remains unhealed. The search is not always easy but it is always worthwhile. The healing of that wound takes place very quickly. Once the person is at the level of the original trauma only two things are required:

1. We must come to the aid of the young part of the self that is experiencing the problem. During this process the client becomes acutely aware of what this young part needs, and is usually able to provide it from within themselves, whether it is understanding, commitment, love or acceptance. 2. We need to find within ourselves, some deep sustaining original beliefs with which to replace the unprofitable ones being given up.

Once this core self is rediscovered, its solidity will stand the test of time. It is however, possible that several different problems may stem from the same original wound, and it may be necessary to access the core trauma from several directions before it is completely released.

Core Belief Engineering applies nicely to counseling with couples, because each half of the partnership is also an individual. Each person joins the partnership with a belief framework already in place. That framework dictates to them what "feels comfortable" and what doesn't. If they have had to use adaptive behaviors in their family of origin they will feel most comfortable in a relationship where they are using those same behaviors. When they change those behaviors, by removing them from the core self, they not only have to learn new ways of coping themselves but they may also destabilize their relationship for a time while their partner adapts to their new ways. It is therefore useful if both sides of the relationship have outside support and guidance with this process of reestablishing their relationship. The truth is, the best way to work on a relationship is to work on yourself. A truly happy individual who loves him/herself is the basic ingredient in building a loving partnership. True happiness is only available from within. We deceive ourselves in thinking it is available from any other source.

By Fay Minifie