Home Funerals are Alive and Well

Imagine... Facing death with far less fears, feeling free to extend the time with a loved one following a death and knowing who to call for support.

Imagine creating instructions allowing your loved ones to care for you personally after death, your body being touched with dignity and respect.

Imagine family and friends constructing or decorating a casket or an urn as a healing act of closure, a ceremony being held in a private, intimate, de-institutionalized setting; and children learning that death is a natural part of the life cycle by being part of a home funeral.

Thanks to training in natural childbirth and home hospice care, Americans have begun to relearn some of life's most powerful experiences. Natural, family-directed home funerals are the newest element in this movement. The benefits of so-called family run funerals are many, yet they often remain out of reach of individuals due to lack of information, misinformation, or intimidation. The following story about Mildred Fern Smith shows us the heart-felt loving care possible and very natural following a death.

A Home Funeral

Mildred was 86 when she died from a brain tumor at home with the support of hospice. When she learned of her terminal diagnosis she told her family she wanted a home funeral "the way her folks back in Iowa had always done." Unbeknownst to her family, Mildred had tucked away an article she had read in the newspaper about an organization who assisted people to carry out home funerals, preparing and keeping their loved one at home for a wake or an extended time and then with other funeral arrangements.

To honor Mildred's wishes the family had a consultation to learn about this concept, which seemed so foreign to them. They looked at photos of other home funeral celebrations and realized that maybe it wasn't so strange after all. Mildred's daughter Lilly, and granddaughter Lauren, decided they would begin preparing during Mildred's remaining time by intricately painting her cardboard cremation casket with her favorite flowers and then lining it with printed fabric of tree branches to compliment Mildred's love of nature. They asked her about her favorite hymn for her memorial and she said she loved "His eyes are on the sparrow." Spontaneously Lilly found herself painting a sparrow on the lid of the casket right below her mother's name.

On the day her breathing became shallow Mildred's family gathered around and as she quietly exhaled her last breath a sparrow landed on the birdfeeder right outside her window. The perfectly timed arrival got everyone's attention and without even thinking Lilly said, "Hey Ma, looks like your ride has come." After a short while the family lovingly bathed and dressed Mildred and covered her with a specially created blanket sewn by a relative from Mildred's precious lace collection.

She remained lying-in-honor at home for two days while people were stopping by to pay respects, bring food and lovingly support the family. Nineteen-year old Lauren who had been feeling very anxious about her grandmother's approaching death was now frequently seen sitting beside her for long periods of time, holding her hand quite comfortably.

At the end of the second day Mildred‘s family gathered in a circle, held hands and gave thanks for her life. She was placed in her beautifully decorated casket, sprinkled with rose petals and carried to the family's camper van. Then she was driven to the crematorium where they said their final goodbye.

Is it Legal?

This story of Mildred's home funeral is an example of a sacred rite-of-passage widely accepted in many cultures around the world. In just the past 100 years, Americans have handed this honor over to the well-intentioned Funeral Industry. But as many of us redefine the practices of our life, we naturally look to recreate a more modern, personal relationship with death. Although unknown to most individuals, it is completely legal in most states for a family to act in lieu of a funeral director, keeping a loved one home during a 1-3 day wake, bathing, dressing and possibly using ice for preservation. A family may create and carry out any kind of formal or informal visitation and service in the privacy of their own home, prepare and file the necessary paperwork, build or decorate a casket and transport their loved one to a crematory or cemetery in any vehicle which will hold a casket.

Why have a home funeral?

When a mortuary or funeral home business is hired to handle funeral arrangements the deceased is most often whisked away from a facility or home environment, wrapped in plastic, stored in a refrigerated utility space and may be embalmed, a practice almost never required. When a family is in charge friends and family have an extended period of time for visiting, viewing, ceremony and closure with no sense of hurry. There is a natural flow and coherence to the events and emotions that follow a death rather than the separation, the compartmentalization, and an immediate feeling of emptiness so often experienced when a funeral home takes over the process.

A home or family-directed funeral is individually designed to honor each unique person and can be held in a comfortable and intimate home environment. In the story of Mildred, her family decorated her casket and had a simple ceremony, which suited her personality.

A funeral reinforces the reality of a death. During a home funeral people are generally in the presence of a body lying-in-honor. This ritual can help a person to let go in a gentler and less fragmented way. Touching a body and using other senses can help move us through grief and grasp the reality of the death.

Since people on the average plan a funeral only once every 14 years, they are usually unaware the average full service burial averages $8000. Even cremations have risen to average $2000. Often people are intimidated and emotionally unprepared to request other options. In a home funeral a family can choose very simple direct arrangements or an elaborate ceremony in a home, church or community hall and still reduce the cost by half or more.

For more information about home funerals contact Final Passages at www.finalpassages.org

By Jerri Lyons