Managing Emotions: What's in Your Toolbox?

As practitioners, educators, parents, or simply as human beings, now more than ever we are being called to educate, inspire, mentor and model a spirit-centered life for our kids.

And learning to deal with our own emotions is where it must begin.

When asked to write an article for Body, Mind, Spirit Magazine on managing emotions, I figured, no problem--and knew pretty much what I would write about.

And then last week, something happened that rocked my world and I knew this would be a very different article and that it would have a sense of urgency to it that wouldn't have been there just a few days prior.

Last week, I had the honor of speaking at a teen leadership conference. During one of my sessions on Stress & Managing Emotions, I was teaching the students the formula E + R = O: Events + Reaction = Outcome. I explained that events are neutral and it is our reaction to those events that determines the outcome.

One girl raised her hand and said, "My friend Crystal died two days ago." By the confused and sad look on her face, I knew that she was wondering how an event like that could be construed as neutral. My first response to her was, "And you're here?" and she replied, "Well, I figured it would be better to be here with my other friends than stay at home and be sad." Then she added, "But I'm pretty much over it now anyway." "Oh, sweetie" I said, "you are not over it… trust me." And then I asked, "How did she die?" and she replied, "She hung herself." A collective gasp echoed through the room. The look of shock and fear was on every kid's face and they were all looking to me to guide them through this. Lacking any coherent thought as to what I or anyone could possibly say to soothe this situation, I asked the class for a moment of silence to honor the pain that this senseless tragedy had caused in so many lives and to send Crystal's family and friends healing blessings. The only tool in my "managing emotions" toolbox that would work in this situation was to simply breathe and surrender. And suddenly, the power of that simple act gave me just enough space between stimulus and response to choose my reaction as to how to proceed.

I brought the class back to the formula E + R = O and said, "Every one of us has a choice right here and now about how we are going to react, and it will determine the outcome of our lives forever. You can choose to fill your own toolbox with strategies to manage your emotions and deal with the challenges life throws at you, or, you can join the ranks of the hopeless and get to a point that you feel you have no options but to end it all. You can choose to believe that there is something inside of you that is superior to any circumstance. You can honor Crystal's life by making something great out of your own life and decide right here and now that you will always seek the solution to whatever life throws at you.

So what's in your toolbox? Eating, shopping, drinking, drugging, gambling, watching TV, avoiding – anything to elicit that numbing effect, are the quick-fix tools that society has brainwashed us to believe actually work. Unless we learn how to manage our own emotions, we will continue to send negative energy out into the universe, and our children will learn by proxy how not to be.

Gandhi once said, "You must be the change you want to see in this world." It must begin with us, and we can start by remembering to breathe consciously. Ah, the breath of life. Scientists, doctors and researchers have proven that three cleansing deep breaths turn on the relaxation response. And yet we spend billions of dollars each year searching externally for something outside of ourselves to simulate that feeling inside. Focused breathing is a way to get in touch with what it is we are feeling and then choose our response appropriately, rather than knee-jerk reacting our way through life.

Recently, I was teaching a module on Intense Emotions to a classroom of first- graders. One little boy named George raised his hand and proclaimed, "My mom always tells me ‘smell the flower… blow out the candle,'" What a simple way to teach such a profound lesson that will serve him for the rest of his life.

Breathe, feel, let it go and then make it your business to share this message with every child in your life. No young person, or any person for that matter, should ever feel that there aren't any solutions or that they have no place to turn. What a beautiful world this could be if everyone understood his or her own power and strength that comes from within, and the best way to tap into that power is to breathe. Jesus said, "The kingdom of heaven is within you;" Buddha said, "Look within… thou art the Buddha," and George's mother said, "Smell the flower… blow out the candle." What do you say--and what's in your toolbox?

By Kathleen Hassan