Transforming Anger into Creative Energy

I think that handling anger is like learning to ride a bicycle--it's easy when you get some help balancing, and then practice, practice, practice!

The difficulty most of us run into is that we expect ourselves to be able to manage this powerful emotion without having learned the skills.

Then we get mad at ourselves for doing the same thing over and over again, getting the same predictable results. We react habitually because we don't know any other way.

We didn't take anger management in school along with science and math. Our role models may not have had great skills either, so we ended up repeating what our parents did, or vowing to take the opposite approach.

In other words, we muddle through, doing the best we can, not understanding why we get hooked--and not having any tools to help us. It's important to understand this, so we don't become frustrated with ourselves, and expect instant change.

Being able to handle anger constructively is a learned skill. In many instances it goes against our basic reaction of "flight or fight." First we need to acknowledge the pain that our knee-jerk reaction brings us. You see, when we hold anger inside us, we get sick. Studies reveal that heart disease and certain kinds of cancer come from keeping resentments inside our bodies. These resentments are "tumors in waiting." So we need to become aware that fleeing doesn't work. Nor does fighting, for when we dump our anger on others, they get sick … of us! And later we feel that dreadful cycle of shame, guilt and remorse.

I spent years trying to make other people change so I wouldn't react to them. It didn't work. What I needed to do was to take a good look at me, and become willing to learn new behaviors.

Incidentally, when we decide to change ourselves, we usually want others to change as well, so it's important to develop a "live and let live" approach, and concentrate on changing ourselves.

The next time you feel triggered by something someone says, or does, or doesn't do, try something different. Use one of my Seven Strategies for Success, and enjoy the serenity that follows.

Seven Strategies for Success

1. Locate. When you find yourself getting angry, locate where you harbor this emotion. Is it in your neck? Your jaw? Do you feel a tight ball in your stomach? Are your fists clenched? Become aware of the cost to your body.
2. Scream! You can cup your hands over your mouth and scream loudly into them. No one will know what you're doing, because it sounds like a sneeze. This simple strategy won't cost you a dime, and it may save your life. If you are not comfortable screaming in front of others, you can go to the washroom, turn on the taps and scream at full volume. You might find yourself laughing after a few screams, and you will also notice that you feel centered again. It doesn't matter whether you're the type who holds anger in or spews it out; when you scream for a few seconds you get rid of the negative charge.
3. Breathe. Deeply. Imagine you have a little balloon in your stomach and push that balloon outwards, then let all the air out of the balloon as you slowly exhale. Repeat this a few times. Feels good, doesn't it?
4. Let go of the inner judge--that part of you that criticizes, blames and attacks. Banish your faultfinder by taking another deep breath. Then think a positive thought. Find one thing you like about the other person and concentrate on this. What would it be like if you accepted the person unconditionally? (This process is never- ending, so you'll have plenty of opportunities to practice.)
5. Notice. Before you say one word, notice your body language and take charge of your tone of voice.
6. Deal with the present situation only--no past examples to score points!
7. Ask yourself: "Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?" Then decide.

After all, you're the one who gets to live with the consequences of your choices!

You've noticed, no doubt, that these strategies are all for you, and not the other person. That's because you're the one reading this article, so if you want change, BE the change you want to see happen. As the saying goes, "What goes around, comes around," so give the very best of yourself and be prepared to receive the best from others. Enjoy practicing!

Angela Jackson is a dynamic keynote speaker, seminar leader and author who specializes in helping people break through limitations to create happier, more productive lives. Her book Celebrating Anger is a Canadian bestseller, and her new book Celebrating Life will be published shortly.

By Angela Jackson