Living the Perfect Life

My friends thought I had it all and that I was living the perfect life.

With poise and ease, I was handling the typical life transitions of a woman my age.

Little did they know I was filled with grief and indescribable pain and hiding a secret... even from myself.

Everything may have seemed "perfect" on the outside - but what I was suppressing was poisonous and paralyzing. I was in an abusive relationship and the violence had escalated to the point where I feared every day might be my last. My heart was breaking and my world was crumbling around me. How had this happened?

I was raised in a typical 50's All American household with very loving parents and many siblings. I was sweet, shy and fearful. I was mostly afraid of the yelling and the sound of the beatings my brothers endured. I vowed I would remain safe by being the quiet little girl. One of the strongest memories I have as a child is of one brother putting me down, hitting me, and calling me stupid and ugly. He was only a year older and the most important person in my life. I was crushed... over and over again. Even though I was loved by my parents and had many friends, I felt unworthy, unimportant and invisible. As I grew older, my insecurities deepened and the negative feelings and beliefs I had about myself helped create a bleak blueprint for my life. I gathered up all the put downs and rejections I had experienced as a child and the numerous negative feelings and beliefs I had acquired and carried them into my adult life where I manifested the same unhealthy relationships and situations. Why would I do this? I did it because all I had known and was comfortable with were experiences of rejection and fear and feelings of unworthiness - I was just following my life script.

About 7 years ago, as I was going through empty nest syndrome and menopause, dealing with my mother's death and my father's Alzheimer's, several physical ailments surfaced and a deep depression enveloped me. What was going on? I had always been able to handle things easily but this was just too much for me. Reaching out for relief, I started the daily practice of meditating and journaling. These tools helped remove the blinders and awaken me to the truth of the abuse I had been living with and hiding. "Feelings buried alive never die." I also learned that the negative thoughts, beliefs, and feelings that were deep in my subconscious were manifesting in my outer world and creating disease in my body. I had been staying true to my vow of silence. No wonder I was physically ill! What to do now? Could I handle more loss in my life? As I continued journaling, my hidden pain, fear and pent up feelings surfaced, bringing awareness and cleansing followed by clarity and a newfound strength.

Advertisement: Thoughts to Release Journal/Workbook At 49 years old, after burying my mother, I walked away from the toxic yet very intoxicating relationship, my beautiful home and life style, my grown stepdaughters, animals, and all of my belongings. I felt lost and alone, but I was free and alive. The only bright lights in my life were my sons who were happy, healthy and living adventurous lives. Taking a year to focus on myself, I read, walked, journaled every day, meditated, and explored my life through therapy. In hypnosis and imagery sessions and through emotional freedom techniques, I learned how to release old thinking patterns, habits, stress and negatives and build up my self-esteem.

This journey of self-discovery lead to healing and peace and, along the way, I realized my purpose in life. Just as my sons were graduating from college, I was enrolling in school - at 50 years of age! I am now living my purpose, speaking about inner strength, the power of thoughts and beliefs, and the importance of self-love, self-respect and choices. Because journaling had been such a profound healing tool for me, I created Thoughts to Release Journals to share with others. Through Wings , an empowerment program I created in 2002, I am helping other women realize their worth and teaching them how to live a healthy, balanced and fulfilling life. Perhaps my experiences were a necessary part of the plan that led to this passionate mission of empowering others. Living the perfect life? I'm blessed to be living a purposeful and fulfilling life.

© copyright 2004, MaryLou Kenworthy

By MaryLou Kenworthy