A Different Kind of Love

Love! What is love?

I had never really thought about the meaning of love.

I knew it was something good, a feeling that was positive, enjoyable and everyone experienced it.

Now that I am well into my "golden years" I look back on my own course of travel through life to discover the emotion of love is deeper and more complex and changes as one walks down life's path. How one experiences or interprets love is a personal thing. I would like to share a few of my own discoveries on the subject of love.

It's not always lovely, fuzzy secure or sexual. I was raised to not question the authority of my parents. I was raised by "hand" as the old saying goes. My adopted mother was very strict. She was the disciplinarian in the family. In my mind there were many times that I questioned how I was reared. Looking back, I realized that her methods were quite severe and would be unacceptable in today's society. But did it hurt me? No!

With her family's best interest in mind, she felt that she was doing her best. She shared her kind of love with us by teaching us to be safe, responsible, independent and accountable. Times were different then, simple and not so complicated. They didn't have the technology and gadgets of today. Chores about the home were shared by all, leaving very little spare time to get into trouble. From this rigid up bringing my character was developed, ultimately weaving the fiber of the fabric I don today.

At age 49, I decided to look for my biological mother. All members of my adopted family were deceased and I really needed to connect with my past and find my roots.

On this course of travel I discovered that my life started out rather rocky. I was born at the end of World War 2. My biological mother was left on her own to raise two children as my father was off fighting in that war. After trying to cope and share the raising of her two children with her parents, she made a decision to give one of her children up for adoption. It was her two-year-old daughter that she chose (me). The burden of making such a decision must have been very difficult. In her mind she felt she was doing the right thing. Someone else would then be responsible to give her daughter the things that she felt she could not. This decision weighed heavily upon her till her death this past year. She opened her heart and arms as I walked through her door only to close the door five years later.

In my wisdom, I can only assume that she was feeling guilty and could not come to terms with her past. It had been fourty-eight years since she had last seen me. How does this relate to the topic of love? With great inner strength and positive attitude I was able to accomplish what I had set out to do - find my biological parent and connect. I recognized that life was different fifty years ago. I did not walk in her shoes, so how could I judge her actions. I preferred to accept and cherish the opportunity that I was given to at least have met her and at the end of her life's journey, have been there for her.

Life has woven the fiber of my being. I am a survivor with deep a spiritual and sense of love for who I have become. I have lived through many trials and tribulations and as a human being I recognize that I am not perfect. As I travel down the golden road of senior-hood, I expect there will be highs and lows ahead. Love is an emotion only an individual can experience by taking time to connect, to share, to accept and ultimately find the courage to forgive. It's all in how you look at it. To quote a great man, (my adopted father) 'you have a choice - you can forgive but never forget, learn and grow from the experience.

In conclusion, think about the different kinds of love there have been in your life. Try to appreciate them. Create and enjoy the precious little moments in each your days. Take time out of your busy life to weave loving fibers into your fabric. Love should be unconditional. It should be given without expecting something in return. Find the power within you to share a little of your unique kind of love each day. Then and only then will you experience being totally-you.

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Remember: "Have voice will travel. It's my opportunity to share the totally-you experience. Enjoy learning with out pain!"

By Joan Kulmala