The Way of the Wounded Woman One woman's Tale of Taking Back Control

How now in the age of Aquarius, our pre-enlightenment phase does it appear possible for the planet to be so overpopulated with lost, lonely and weary souls, all seeking momentary respite in any fleeting pleasure, a forbidden nights passion, a euphoric stupor or drunken haze?

Escape into the arms of another to establish and prove our worth.

But what "other" do we seek and what "other" do we ultimately find?

Sadly, the "other" often leads us on the path deeper into our wounds. Deeper than we ever thought imaginable and far deeper than has ever been desirable! Even for the most sadistic amongst us, this path is agonising and heartbreaking.

I write as a woman wounded, a woman rejected and a woman who has been so heartbroken that her own soul screamed from its depths, "No more!"

I write as the woman of all ages, all classes and colours. I write as the one so traumatised who sought help and freedom from pain. Emotional pain.

Wounds can heal. Emotional wounds can heal. That ever present gunk in our minds that repeatedly tells us that we are "unworthy" or "unlovable" can be challenged and erased.

HOW!.was what I wanted to know?

Understanding that each person in my life in relationship served only as a mirror did not help me to STOP bringing in more reflections of me. After all, I was the wounded one, desperate to be loved. As if I wanted to be in relationship with a man who would "mirror" all my gaping pus filled wounds. I wanted and desired the love of the movies, the adoring, attentive handsome gent who lived to fulfil my every pleasure. OK, so I was way out there with my request- it still never came anywhere near the deceitful, dishonest and disloyal man who betrayed me in every sense possible. Now to be fair that is highlighting his bad points. He was also playful, hardworking and dare I say it . "sensitive" or so I thought! And that's the bottom line. "I thought." I "thought" he was loving, dependable, honest, caring and committed. What a farce that turned out to be! I discovered the "love of my life" had throughout our entire relationship (of 10 months) also seen another woman and basically just played one against the other until I chose to no longer "play."

My confusion lay in how could I, a woman who prides herself on her honesty and integrity, select as a mate a person who couldn't even lie straight in bed?

All my "thoughts" on what this man was were completely unfounded, yet I had persisted in seeking his love and approval. I needed to be validated from a liar and a cheat. It would almost be amusing if it weren't my life and a true story.

How could I, who shared with others how to attain success and happiness, be so screwed up?

Advertisement: Kick But with Rosemary Pekar. How could I consciously and deliberately still want this man who had not even come close to honoring or valuing me or the relationship in the manner that I believed I deserved? This man who had used my kindness and generosity with reckless abandon and treated me in the end with no more care than one gives to a disposable wrapper.

So began a desperate search in my "head" for understanding and meaning. The first thing that I discovered was that I was looking for relationship in the wrong place, it didn't exist in my head, it existed in my heart!

My heart - now that was a closed story. My heart did not trust in love. My heart believed "love hurts." It became so glaringly obvious as to why I drew in a man who "proved" to me that you can't trust yourself or another in love and that love is painful. He was my perfect mirror on an emotional level. He revealed "me." All my thoughts of him in the relationship just identified my fears bottled up as toxic poison in my closed heart.

This is the disease of the mind that inflicts these wounds on the heart. At a young age we learn to retaliate and not accept any further wounds. If we weren't able to retaliate our next defence was submission under protest, "I'll take these wounds but you won't see that you've hurt me" mentality. And so our heart hardens and closes over these festering wounds leaving us tender and sensitive to further attack. Leaving us to keep drawing in the same "painful people" and heartbreaking experiences and maintaining the same defence of "I won't let you see that you've hurt me" until we get the lesson and can expel that tainted seed of unworthiness.

Now my next exploration into my heart was to understand what is so terrifying about you (the other) knowing that you've hurt me? After that came the realisation, of course he knew he hurt me.it was me that was in denial. It was me, saying,"I'm Ok," it was me putting the smile on my face but deep in my eyes a whole other story was being relayed. A story of sadness, and no bloody wonder I was sad, I didn't love me! I took better care of my partner, the dog, the cats, friends, etc than I did myself. Somehow I felt that I didn't have a right to go through my pain or to be in need. After all, I had always been the strong one. I had been every one else's support.

How could I have so little regard and value for myself?

The truth dawned on me with shocking clarity .

I am my relationship with me .

Until I could find ways to love me truly, with no external approval needed, I would again be a willing and unknowing victim to the next deceitful charmer who crossed my path. I had betrayed myself and sold myself to the lowest bidder. I was reaping the harvest of my 'own' tainted seed of personal betrayal.

At 37, a divorcee with a couple of other serious (in my mind) relationships under my belt, I determined 'enough'. If I was never to have another relationship again, so be it but I vowed that I was going to have a bloody good one with myself. The time to dedicate to knowing and loving myself was NOW- the task was the same as before.How?

Because I had been such a 'head' and 'hands' person, learning to listen to my heart posed immediate challenges. 'Head' was busy coming up with plans, intellectual ideas that sounded good in theory whilst my 'hands' were desperate to take some action now, something to DO, aside from murder the selfish prick My heart was not engaged, it was the intrepid traveller. Wary, unsure if it really had a voice, unsure if it spoke would it actually be heard. And so came my lessons in trust and patience to heal all wounds.

So began my journey, a collective journey that has not differed through the ages, the way of the wounded woman. A journey to unearth my tainted seeds that served to teach me about me, all of me, body, mind and soul. A journey to know me. A journey to love me as I am.

FOOTNOTE

On this journey came my introduction to love, true love, heartfelt, passionate and all encompassing.

How my head spun when I met the man who mirrored me. A beautiful, kind, generous and sensitive soul who emanates the quietest strength and inimitable power that I've ever had the privilege to be in the presence of. A man whose honesty and humility elicits from my core such softness, tenderness and security as I've never experienced.

Did I believe such a person could exist?

Only once I believed in me, my own true value, could I then recognise and draw it to me in others. I am my own blessing.

Your journey begins with your awakening to your world within the world. Your life within life.

If ye would have love Give Love. If ye would have friends Be friendly. If ye would have mercy Be merciful. If ye would have beauty Make your world more beautiful for others, For this is a law, not just a good thing, But a LAW.

Edgar Cayce

You have a contractual obligation to your soul.To know Thyself; You are LOVE.

Are you aware? Are you awake? Do you dare commit to your unveiling of your truth, beauty, love and destiny? Are you willing to let your wounds heal? Are you willing to take the journey?

Rosemary Pekar

www.kickbut.com.au

By Rosie Pekar