An Interview with BJ Gallagher

1. What inspired you to write Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Other Women and why is it important for women to read it?

A year earlier I had written a book called WITTY WORDS FROM WISE WOMEN that was a collection of wonderful quotes from famous women.

After I finished it, I thought, "Yes, but what about all the great stuff that NON-famous women have said?"

So I decided to write a series of stories and gather some from other women about all the smart, insightful, funny, wise, and useful things we've all learned from other women. It was a labor of love ... love for all the women who've played such an important role in my life. The book is an homage to women everywhere who teach, inspire, lead, and share their wisdom with other women.

2. You have a whole section in the book dedicated to body image. What have women taught you about this topic and why do you think women have such a hard time dealing with their bodies?

I think that women have a difficult time dealing with their imperfect bodies because beauty and sexuality are probably the most important things we are valued for. This isn't new. Throughout history, men are valued for what they do and women are valued for what they look like. If our value as human beings is determined largely by our appearance, and we compete for mates on the basis of beauty and sexual attractiveness, then it makes sense that how we look would be hugely important to us.

And in American culture there is a very narrow definition of what is beautiful -- unlike many other countries in the world, like European countries, where beauty is more broadly defined and many women of different body shapes and different ages are still considered beautiful and valuable as women. This intense focus on a very narrow definition of beauty means that the vast majority of women don't fit that specific notion of beauty, and as a result, most of us don't feel very good about our bodies or our appearance. It is not a simple problem with an easy solution. It's deeply embedded in long-held social values and gender norms.

3. What do you think men could learn about women from reading this book?

Oh, I think men can learn a LOT from this book -- in fact, a lot of men show up at my book signings! Women are a mystery to most men -- they love us, but we are way too complicated for them to easily understand. The stories in my book can enlighten men about the things that confuse them about us ... our emotions, our relationships with our mothers, how we feel about work and identity, what motherhood means to us, the love/hate relationships we have with men, and our insecurity about our appearance. It's a great book for men who truly want to get inside the female psyche and understand us a bit better.

4. Why do younger women so often reject the wisdom of older women?

I think that's a peculiarly American trait ... as someone wise once said, "Just as the Victorians repressed sexuality, Americans repress history." I think there's a lot of truth to that. Americans are very "today" kind of people, and we think that whatever is current today is relevant and anything that happened in the past is irrelevant. This means that young women think that older women can't possibly know anything that would be useful today because their experience is in the past and times have changed. Not only do we discount the wisdom and experience of our mothers, we often discount the experience of all older women. Of course, not all younger women do this -- some of them are smart enough to learn from others' experience and mistakes, so they don't have to go out and reinvent the wheel. Truly wise women know that much can be learned from women of ALL ages, both younger and older!

5. Women seem to have a difficult relationship with money. What are some lessons you have learned from other women about money and how to manage it?

The most important thing I've learned about money is that it shouldn't be treated as something so private. Money seems to be the last taboo in our society ... we will talk about our drug problems, our sex lives, our moral failures, but we are totally unwilling to discuss money! As if how much money we make or spend is some kind of dirty little secret. We need to demystify money, talk about it with people we trust and respect and can learn from. Money is just a tool -- it is not good or bad, it's just a medium of exchange. Money is one form of energy -- time is money and money is time. I've learned to manage my money AND manage my time with appropriate attention to where it goes, what it can be exchanged for, when to save it, when to spend it, and how much value it really has in my life.

6. Statistically, women still have a long way to go as far as equal pay and equal opportunities. What wisdom have you gained about changing this trend?

Yes, we're closing the pay gap slowly ... very slowly. I think the best thing we women can do is watch out for ourselves first -- ask for what we're worth and be willing to walk away if we don't get it, or something close to it. Others will begin to value us when we first begin to value ourselves. Our insecurity about our worth as women shows up in how we often undervalue our services, talents, and skills. We settle for less because we suspect that's all we're worth. Or we're afraid that the men won't love us if we ask for equal pay. I think we women have to do our internal work first -- building our self esteem, valuing our time and talent. We'll continue to close the compensation gap one woman at a time, one job at a time. We just have to keep on keepin' on.

7. Do you think women have a hard time supporting each other in a workplace environment? Why can women make good friends but still not look out for each other at work?

Well, I don't think it's quite as simple as that. I would say that SOME women don't support other women at work, but others are VERY supportive of their workplace sisters. It comes down to each women's mentality about scarcity versus abundance. If a woman has a scarcity mentality, then she thinks there are only a limited number of good opportunities available, and she'll compete with other women to succeed, doing everything she can to put other women down. On the other hand, if a woman has an abundance mentality, she knows that there are plenty of opportunities for success and achievement, and there is plenty of room at the table for many women. She'll also recognize that what goes around, comes around -- and she'll do all she can to help other women. She knows that together we will ALL be more successful.

8. Why do you think women resist the advice given to them by their mothers? Why do we turn into our mothers or do everything in our power not to?

We seem to have a lot of ambivalence about mothers -- our own mothers and mothers in general. Mothers are the source of life itself -- the powerful creative feminine force that brings us into the world and feeds us and protects us as we grow strong enough to take care of ourselves. But these powerful women are also seen as something we must reject in order to come into our own personhood. We must individuate -- we want to become NOT like our mothers -- we yearn to be our own persons.

I also think that mothers are convenient targets for whatever is wrong in our lives. It started with Freud and his assertion that your life is pretty well determined by the time you're five years old. And we've built on that assertion since Freud's time, blaming mothers for everything from homosexual sons, to low self esteem in girls, to repressed sexuality, and so on. I hope in time that we'll come to stop blaming our mothers for our personal problems as well as for social ills.

9. When is it time to let our parents off the hook?

It's time to let our parents off the hook as soon as we can. You may have to go through a period of anger and resentment, but I would suggest that you get through it as fast as you can. Don't continue to wallow in all the mistakes your parents made in raising you. One of my favorite sayings is, "Blame your parents for the way you are -- blame yourself if you stay that way." Yes, our parents were far from perfect -- most parents are inadequate to the job, and some parents are even horrible. But as long as we're engaged in playing the blame game with our parents as the primary culprits, I don't think we'll get anywhere. It is only when we stop blaming our parents, or anyone else, and start owning our own lives, that we can become fully adult and set out to achieve happiness and fulfillment.

10.Out of all of the stories in your book, which is your personal favorite?

Oh gosh, that's like asking me to choose among my children! I love the story about my aunt and her fabulous hats; I love the stories about my mother and what she taught me about the importance of attitude; I love the bit I wrote about "The Ten Most Important Things I've Learned About Men;" and I love the alphabet I wrote about "Everything I Need to Know About Friends" ... A, Accepts you as you are, B, believes in your potential, C, Comforts you in difficult times, D, Delights in your successes, and so on. Now that you've asked the question, I think maybe I like that alphabet the best of all. It summarizes all the reasons that friendships are critically important. In fact, I like it so much, I'm including it in my next book, too!

11.Tell us about your next project.

My next book (to be published by Conari Press in May '05) called FRIENDS ARE EVERYTHING. It's another collection of fabulous female stories, poems, anecdotes, and inspiring quotes -- this time, all focused on feminine friendships. I've very excited about it -- since my friends really ARE everything to me. It's about how friends extend themselves with generosity and love, how friends laugh together often, how friends understand how little things can make a big difference, and how friends inspire us to be our best selves. I love my friends -- and I love this next book.