Accept and Forgive

Article Excerpt:  Many individuals may end a relationship that they truly value, desire, and need, because they cannot tolerate character differences between them and the other.

Relationships are an integral part of the human experience. They create family, and society. They bring us great joy, and conversely, great despair. They are often fraught with difficulties. At times, we may find ourselves in relationships with others that are worth salvaging and cultivating. At other times we must learn to let go.

There are times when no matter how hard you try to keep a relationship with someone, be it a spouse, domestic partner, parent, sibling, or friend, that you have to make the difficult decision of cutting off all ties. This applies to those involved in abusive relationships, where the abuse is so severe that the delicate glass of trust is shattered, and can no longer hold any water at all, even if meticulously glued back together. It is easy to understand why an adult survivor of incest would refuse to interact with his or her sexually exploitative parent, why individuals break ties with friends that have stolen from them or stabbed them in the back, why a relationship between two people who are repeatedly physically violent toward each other must end.

Yet, there are other situations that are much more gray and inconclusive than the above mentioned. Many individuals may end a relationship that they truly value, desire, and need, because they cannot tolerate character differences between them and the other. Take for example the case of this fictional couple, John and Gene. John is high strung, a perfectionist, and talks a great deal. Gene is quiet, carefree, and fun loving. John and Gene make a good couple in many ways because John enables the couple to be more active and expressive with one another, while Gene brings calm and laughter into the relationship. Their differences are an asset to the relationship because they create balance. Their differences, unfortunately, could also be the source of much of this couple's discord. John grows exasperated with Gene's "devil may care" attitude, and Gene is sick of John's neurotic tendencies.

In my practice I do quite a bit of couples' therapy, and I come across this statement frequently: "I love him or her, but I just don't know if we're meant to be. We're so different." Indeed, there may be times that you feel like the relationship is just not worth preserving, other times, you feel that it is. If you want to hold on to something you think is worthwhile, exercise the following two skills. I call them "skills" because they are abilities to be practiced and learned, not innate to us.

Accept: This means identify, and understand the character trait that is making you uncomfortable. Note why and how this character trait makes you feel. Try to understand how it developed in the other person. Try to see the character trait in question as a part of the other person, and not easily subject to change. It may be modified in some ways through compromise with you, but ultimately it is something about them that is going to exist in some form or other for an indefinite period of time. Understand that every character trait could be seen as both an asset and a flaw depending on the situation.

Forgive: This means let go of the need to change the character trait. Sometimes it is a flaw, but hey, we all have flaws. It's ok to be imperfect, even very imperfect. We live in a society that is preoccupied with perfection, but this perfection does not exist. It is a myth. Nobody is immune to having a few blemishes. Try to remind yourself in the midst of your frustration at somebody else's character flaws that they are human and are entitled to their flaws. Think back to times when you were forgiven for certain mistakes, and how thankful you were to still be loved despite them. If other people's shortcomings, as you see them, are a constant barrier to having fulfilling relationships for you, it may be prime time to reevaluate your ability to forgive your own self for your shortcomings. Remember that we are all works in progress.

By Negar Khaefi, MFT