Relationship Rescue Exploring the Dynamics Behind Being a Rescuer

Rescuing is a core dynamic found in most relationships.

A rescuer is some who takes responsibility for fulfilling the needs of others in an attempt to feel valuable.

Whether conscious of it not, a rescuer believes that by taking care of others, their own needs will be met.

However, the irony is that instead, rescuers end up feeling more insecure, taken for granted, unappreciated, unfulfilled and ultimately worn out. In Part 1 of this article, I will identify some of the qualities of a "typical" rescuer and the dynamic behind these qualities. I have also provided a self-test questionnaire which will guide you in identifying whether or not, or to what degree, you are a rescuer.

Qualities of a Rescuer

Inn my counseling practice, I have observed that along with consistently being "unhappy" with their relationships, rescuers also: (1) feel responsible for others by constantly trying to make things always go right and smoothly for them; (2) believe in unquestioning loyalty to their friends and families thereby negating their own needs and feelings; (3) harbor a deep-seated need to be needed and will avoid any actions which may hurt someone's feelings, even if it means not speaking their truth; (4) fear rejection and use rescuing as an insurance policy to protect against it; and (5) justify their fear-based actions by claiming that they are motivated by their "love of or caring for" the other.

The problem lies not in their "intention" to be helpful to others but rather, in the mistaken belief that rescuing results in resolution of the issue at hand. This is not so as over the long run, rescuing never results in permanent solutions. Instead, it creates an unhealthy cycle of co-dependence in which ultimately, the rescuer becomes tired and disillusioned. Essentially, the recipient of the "rescue" effort becomes "hooked" into the "problem-rescue-temporary relief-problem" syndrome. Accordingly, they lack motivation and often the requisite skill in becoming self-directing and responsible, relying instead on being bailed out. And to further complicate matters, often the rescuers themselves have become so identified with their behavior that they fail to recognize what they are doing. Over time however, rescuers become over loaded, overwhelmed and end up with feelings of resentment, bitterness, anger, & apathy. Life for them essentially becomes synonymous with martyrdom as increasingly, rather than being balanced, reciprocal and happy, their relationships are experienced as co-dependent, one-way and unfulfilling.

Below is a checklist of 20 questions to assist you in identifying whether you are a rescuer. As we all have at least some qualities of being a rescuer, take a moment to answer the questions below with either a Yes or No to determine the degree to which you fit the profile. In Part 2, I will discuss some of the dynamics behind WHY you may be a rescuer, as well as HOW to go beyond rescuing to a healthier place.

RESCUERS CHECKLIST

Completing this checklist can help you become aware of ways you may be rescuing people without realizing it.

1. Is it hard for you to take time for yourself and have fun?

2. Do you supply words for someone else when she/he hesitates?

3. Do you set limits for yourself that you exceed?

4. Do you believe you are responsible for making (keeping) someone else happy?

5. Do you like to lend a shoulder for someone else to "cry" on?

6. Do you believe that the other person is not sufficiently grateful for your help?

7. Do you take care of someone else more than you take care of yourself?

8. Do you find yourself interrupting when someone else is talking?

9. Do you watch for clues for ways to be helpful to someone else?

10. Do you make excuses, open or mentally, for another person?

11. Do you do more than your share, that is, work harder than someone else does?

12. When someone else is unsure or uncomfortable about doing something, do you do it for him or her?

13. Do you NOT do things you would like because someone else wouldn't like your doing so?

14. Do you find yourself thinking that you really know what is best for someone else?

15. Do you think someone else would have grave difficulty getting along without you?

16. Do you use the word "we" and then find you don't have the other person's consent?

17. Do you stop yourself by thinking someone will feel badly if you say or do something?

18. Is it hard for you NOT to respond to anyone who seems to be hurting or needing help?

19. Do you find yourself being resented when you were only trying to be helpful?

20. Do you find yourself giving advice that is not welcome or accepted?

(Instructions: Record 5 points for each YES and 0 points for NO! If you have 10 or more points, you may be a Rescuer. That is, a CO-DEPENDENT)

By Taron Puri