All in the Family

Had some one asked me 40 years ago what I think of "family ties," I would have made a very sour face.

" Family ? Who needs it, - good riddance!" " Your friends you can pick, your family you have to take whether you like them or not!"

Such thoughts were my mindset after having been excluded from mine by marrying the wrong man.

Over the years I gradually changed my mind about this matter. I now firmly believe that family ties affect all of us in more ways than I would have ever imagined! In my work as a Shamanic Healer I have seen all kinds of family situations. Some of them are so unbelievably dysfunctional, that it's hard to understand why all the members still keep running together , - only to pull each other down some more. And yet, there are other families who against all the odds keep functioning and working well together in positive and harmonious ways.

What could possibly make some families get along so well, while others can't make it no matter how much they cling to each other ? And why do some family members act in totally irrational ways, -- and others don't? I started researching, reading, studying and listening. In the end I drew a lot of my own conclusions along with the findings of some other people.

This is what I found: There is a subconscious level on which we all communicate with each other without ever even knowing it. It often works in established, set patterns, which are particularly strong and significant within family systems. Let's face it, families are strong and very defined systems. And probing the systemic dimensions of so many of our personal problems is the subject of this article.

Let's get back to those patterns, which -- I repeat - are absolutely not driven by conscious decision! They can entangle us in the strangest ways, while we have no idea why "all those terrible things are happening to us." Now here are some of the most important patterns:

1. " I follow you.": Let's say a man dies. His grieving widow, after a proper mourning period starts having accidents and/or illnesses over the next years. All this with the underlying desire to follow the dead husband! Then sometimes a strange thing happens, -- the next pattern occurs. 2. " Better me than you!": One of the children is starting to have accidents and life threatening illnesses, -- maybe even commits suicide, thus trying to sacrifice him- or herself in order to keep the mother in the family. Needless to say, as noble as this sacrifice is meant to be, -- it achieves nothing and just causes more grief! 3. Identification / Representation. Now this is a quite different but equally powerful pattern. A child will identify with and then represent an excluded member of the family. If for instance dad was engaged to be married but then dropped his fiancee to marry mom, then often one child will represent this wronged (almost) member of the family and express anger or martyrdom without discernable reason. Or a baby died of cribdeath and got hushed up because death was a not to talk about taboo. Then also a child - sometimes generations later - will represent this excluded family member and may have a tendency to need more attention than others. The possibilities are endless here. 4. Atonement for a wrong in the family. This could be a.) for a member's perceived wrongdoings, or b.) for a disadvantaged member. For a.) that might be a child that proceeds to live a life of victimhood or comes down with a severe but non life threatening chronic disease to atone for the sins of an aunt who committed a crime. For b.) if a child was born handicapped or becomes disabled later, then another child, -- or children - may feel like having an undeserved advantage and become sick or have accidents themselves. 5. Leveling. Now there is an intricate pattern! If let's say, dad developers an alcohol or drug problem and gets in trouble with the law, then this may constitute a definite downwards slant in an otherwise straight family. Therefore it may not be a genetic trait at all if a son and/or a daughter ends up with the same problem: They are unconsciously trying to level this downward slant out again, -- albeit at the same low level. By the same token I have seen families where alcoholism was the norm. They'd go to great length to pull back down a member who tried to better him- or herself by joining AA. The slant up is obviously as uncomfortable as the one down! 6. Suppressed emotions. Those inevitably get expressed by the weakest link in the family. --To every ones puzzlement. 7. "What did I do to you, that makes me hate you so much!" Illogical? -Absolutely!

These are the patterns I have come across. There are certainly more, some of them have probably not even been identified yet. But all the above mentioned ones I have seen, -- at times many or all of them in one family, thus causing a very tangled and unhealthy, often tragic web. -- -- Now , is there anything that can be done to achieve a measure of healing in such cases?

I learned a lot from the German Psychologist Bert Hellinger, who refined and perfected a method , that was already used by Shamans thousands of years ago. In his workshops and groups he gets people to represent key members of a clients family. The client then gets these surrogate members to stand in the room in a relation to each other as the client sees his or her actual family. Close or apart, looking at each other or away, -- whatever feels right to the client.

Hellinger assumes that every member of the family has the same right to be a member. Problems arise when a value system is imposed, -- like a parent belittling a spouse in front of the children, or one parent complaining about the other to a child. All need to be honored, -- especially also excluded members! This will reestablish their proper place within the system, and will give some of them a chance to finally move on with their honor in tact. However, underlying all those patterns is love, -- -- or rejected / interrupted love. This rejected love usually manifests as anger, hatred or martyrdom, which typically surfaces in some adopted children, -- aimed at their bewildered adoptive parents. Finding this buried love is then the key to a healing. Therefore, -- expressing your anger vehemently at a parent, as is so often suggested, misses the boat entirely ! The lost love must be found -- and then expressed. It's still hidden deep down there some where! Likewise, "I follow you" candidates would for instance have to declare loudly and repeatedly : "I am staying!" Their love is clearly not buried.

It's also not up to children to judge their parents doings or decisions. The parents as well as their decisions must be honored, -- no matter how bad they may appear to be. Only then can a measure of normalcy and peace be restored. All these things can be done by and to the surrogate family members the client has arranged standing up in the room. Because a strange thing happens to these surrogates : They become the persons they represent and can thus be asked about their feelings. Rearranging their positions until every one feels more comfortable and bringing in dead or excluded members will correct unhealthy patterns. Then it also becomes possible for the client to find and express lost love, and to honor whomever, -- or declare separateness from another family member. - Whichever is necessary.

This method is amazingly effective in healing sick souls, and enormous energy gets created. Analysing and talking about it afterwards in a big way would only dilute and disperse the energy. Therefore sessions usually end without discussions, to allow for a new and healthier picture of the family gradually to embed itself in the clients soul. And even though the family per se doesn't change, -- and the dead remain dead, -- some of this positive energy will inevitably get there regardless, -- giving hope for a change.

And yes, my own family situation healed long time ago. I am taking now tremendous pride in my various nephews and nieces. And having my sister finally living close by for the last 5 years is a great source of comfort and happiness to me. I guess blood is thicker than water after all.

By Gisela Ko